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by Carmelita Cochingco Ballesteros.
October 8, 2010
If it was heart-breaking to see and reflect upon the remains of Alberto and Julia which lay side by side, it was more painful to think of their son who was born an orphan. It was good that he did not know the meaning of grief yet, and the reason he was crying then was the big change from the darkness whence he came and the brightness which surrounded him now.
Julia’s child was totally orphaned and did not even feel her first kiss nor taste her milk.
Although Kapitan Culas did not think much of his presence at his nephew’s wake, everybody thought it was of consequence and everyone praised him for his remarkable decisions regarding the confounding and grievous incidents.
Without delay, he asked that a nursing woman be located to breastfeed and to take care of the baby. Since he had the money to pay for any expense, everything that he wanted was complied with. Right away, a nursing woman was found and she immediately fulfilled the motherly duties to the orphan child.
Alberto’s funeral which was postponed for a day despite everyone’s objection proved to be a sensible decision. Although he and Julia did not live together while he was alive, they lay in state side by side and were buried in the same grave.
* * *
Several weeks after these sad events, Pilar who was almost dead came back to life slowly. She became stronger little by little, and after a few days, she was miraculously able to get up.
Upon the return of her lost strength, she had to confront a new sorrow because it was not possible for her not to be affected by the abject death of Alberto who, not too long ago, had committed suicide because of her.
But that was not the end of it all.
Juan, who was celebrating his recent release from prison, learned about Pilar’s inexplicable recovery. He felt immensely happy and thought that he had a good reason now to woo Pilar again as he had done in the past.
He went to Pilar’s house without any hesitation because he was confident of the might of his money and of the deceitful goodwill which he had invested in the very beginning, especially when he rescued Pilar from prison – something which we already knew in the first chapters of this story.
Chatting with Old Munda, he requested that he be allowed to court Pilar since he was still a widower and Pilar had no commitment to honor anymore. The old woman gave her consent.
During his first visit with Pilar, this was what he said:
“You are my witness, Pilar, that I am indeed lucky because the heart that’s meant for you still belongs to me and even if you humbled me in the past, I never lost hope that I shall be able to serve you someday.”
“Thank you, sir,” replied Pilar, “but I have never considered myself worthy of you.”
“And why? Wasn’t your only objection then the fact that your heart belonged to someone else?”
“That was true then, sir, and it’s still true today.”
“What do you mean?”
“That I cannot give my heart to anyone anymore.”
“I can’t understand you, Pilar. Up to now? Now that Alberto’s dead?”
“It’s true that he’s dead, sir, but I can never forget him. His memory has become sacred because I was the cause of his death.”
“He died because of you? You’re mistaken. He committed suicide because he was unfaithful to you and he felt terribly guilty. So you’re saying that you cannot forget an unfaithful heart even after his death?”
“I have no other love and I don’t want anyone else.”
“The man whom you loved was unfaithful to you. But I promise you my absolute fidelity and I offer you my pure heart.”
“Thank you, sir, but even if he was unfaithful to me, my heart still belongs to him. Please forgive me.”
For a moment, Juan groped for something to say because he could not understand the logic in Pilar’s answer. No matter how much he analyzed it, he realized that she had not wavered from her firm refusal which he had known in the past.
And so he changed the topic, and asked, “Do you remember, Pilar, your sufferings while you were in prison?”
“And why do you want to bring them up, sir?”
“Oh, I just happened to ask you about them.”
“There must be a reason, sir. You probably want to remind me that you saved me from languishing there.”
“No, Pilar, no. I hardly remember the good things that I’ve done for you. And even if I remember them, you have forgotten them. So why should I still remember them?”
“I have forgotten them! … In short, you consider me, sir, as someone who doesn’t know how to repay a debt of gratitude?”
“You don’t need to, Pilar. Just let me serve you, let me prove my love for you, and that will be more than enough.”
“Your love shall be in vain, sir! I want to grow old as a spinster. Don’t waste your time and effort. I’m telling you very sincerely that ‘I have no other love.’ This is what you’ll always hear from me.”
“It doesn’t matter, Pilar. I will love you just the same though you refuse me. Even if I die because of love, I shall never forget you. Just let me serve you and show you how much I love you. That’s more than enough for me.”
“Don’t, sir. I’d feel guilty if you’d suffer because of me.”
“I’d be grateful if you’d feel guilty.”
“And if not, sir?”
“I’d still be grateful. Just let me serve you. Allow me to show you how much I love you and that’s more than enough for me. Just don’t forbid it. Are you forbidding it?”
“I’m not forbidding it, sir. But it shall be in vain.”
“It makes me happy that you care about my efforts. Why shouldn’t I keep on loving you if you care about my efforts? And why would you care about my efforts if you don’t pity me?”
“What will you get out of pity, sir? Aren’t you humiliated to want pity? I really don’t care for you and you know that I cannot love anyone else. What happiness will you feel, sir, if pity is the only basis of the attention of a woman like me?
“If you consider your manhood honorable, sir, won’t you feel ashamed of the pity that I feel for you? There are many other women, sir. Look for someone who loves you, too, and don’t insist on loving me.”
Pilar, I’ll keep on loving you, deep in my heart, though you refuse me.”
“Your love is pathetic, sir.”
“It’s pathetic, but it’s still hopeful. Goodbye, Pilar. I’ll always carry this hope with me.”
“Hope for what, sir?”
“For your love.”
And it was here that he ended the conversation, telling himself: “I will find in the mother what I cannot find in Pilar. She won’t be able to refuse if it’s her mother’s wish.”
Since then, he did not talk with Pilar again. During his frequent visits, he talked with the old woman until she was persuaded. Henceforth, it was Old Munda who pleaded with her daughter to marry Juan.
“What else can you ask for?” said the mother who was talking with the daughter one day.
“Juan has done so many favors for us. Besides, when you were detained, he was so kind and generous that he spent a big sum to arrange your release. Is it possible for me not to recognize such a big debt of gratitude?
“And if he’ll become your husband, I won’t worry about you anymore, in case I die, because he’s rich.”
“Please don’t say that, Inang,” interrupted the daughter. “What’s the use of money, Inang, if I shall have no peace of mind? You know that Mang Juan had tried to take advantage of me several times.
“How can I be happy with that kind of man? Besides, don’t you remember that I slapped Mang Juan’s face when he tried to molest me while I was visiting Alberto in prison?”
“Why should that trouble you? If that were still troubling Juan, he wouldn’t want you to be his wife. That should prove to you that he really loves you. Although you have disgraced his honor, he’s throwing himself at your feet with all humility.”
“He’s throwing himself at my feet!” Pilar exclaimed smiling. “Why should I marry a man who has a weak character and doesn’t know how to value his honor? After he has become my husband, what kind of love will he offer me when he cannot even love himself?”
“Oho! Why do you want to vex yourself with that? I want you to be well-provided for so that you’ll never have to worry about making both ends meet.”
“Inang, if that’s your concern, I’ve always known how to cope with hardships. What I want is peace of mind, not fleeting happiness.”
“If you have money, you can have all the peace of mind that you want.”
“That’s not true, Inang. Wealth can sometimes cause more problems. Didn’t you know that Mang Juan’s wealth comes from oppressing poor folk like us? Knowing that, how can I live peacefully?”
“Don’t be silly. It isn’t you who’s oppressing other people, so why should you worry about it?”
“I may not be guilty of it, Inang, but Mang Juan would support me as his wife with tainted money. So I would be living off the blood and sweat of other people.”
“You argue too much. I want it not for myself, but for you. What lies ahead of me, anyway? Just a few more days and I’ll go back to the dust.”
The old woman retreated into sullen silence, hurt by Pilar’s stubborn refusal.
But this daughter could not bear to disobey her mother and spoke sweetly:
“Don’t feel bad, Inang. I said those things for the sake of discussion. I owe my life to you. I will die for you if necessary.
“I understand your good intentions for me, Inang. I must not be stubborn. I shall do as you wish.”
“I’ve already promised Juan because I trusted that you wouldn’t disappoint me. In the first place, we owe him debts of gratitude. That’s why I gave him my consent.”
“You won’t be disappointed, Inang. I shall honor your word if you have given him my hand. I’m decided now, Inang.”
And she kissed her mother to ask forgiveness for having answered her back. She and her mother ended their conversation tenderly.
That was Old Munda’s greatest mistake. Because her daughter could not refuse her, she took advantage of her sincere affection and respect for her wishes. She ignored her daughter’s pained intimation that she would never find peace by marrying Juan.
Nevertheless, Pilar did not refuse her mother. Stoically, she resigned herself to whatever might happen because she considered it a transgression to disobey the parent to whom she owed her life.
It was uncertain if Juan did not mind Pilar’s statement: “I have no other love.” He was very happy when Old Munda agreed that he and Pilar be married as soon as possible. Because of this great happiness which was overflowing in Juan’s heart, he asked his bride cheerfully:
“What kind of gown would you like to wear on our wedding day?”
“Please don’t bother, sir,” Pilar said. “I already have a black gown.”
“Black! And why would you wear black?” he asked, then added teasingly:
“Are you going to start mourning for me?”
“Not for you, sir.”
“For whom?”
“For myself.” And her tears streamed down her face while Juan kept laughing as he tried to cheer her up with all sorts of jokes.
But her grief became more acute and she maintained a mournful silence regardless of the questions addressed to her.
Finally, her mother spoke. “This girl… you’ll get sick from crying too much.”
“I might end up mourning for you,” Juan teased again. Then he went closer to the young lady and laughed his head off.
Full of contempt, Pilar stood up and went inside the hut.
Out of her great respect and consideration for her future son-in-law, the old woman went after her daughter and scolded her discreetly.
“Don’t behave that way. He might think that you’re being disrespectful to him. He was just teasing you. Be mindful of what he might say. Remember, we’re poor.”
“Don’t say that, Inang. Are we supposed to humor him even if he’s talking nonsense just because he has money? Who wouldn’t be annoyed with him when he came so close, then blabbered with his ugly mouth? How awful!”
“Bear with him. He did that because he likes you. Soon, his sense of humor will mellow. When he’s already your husband, then…”
“I have to go now, Tia Munda,” and the mother’s conversation with the daughter was cut short.
“Are you leaving so soon?” said the old woman. “Please don’t get angry. You know how it is with young people. Please be patient with her.”
“Don’t worry about me. You know that I’m used to it. Bye for now.”
“Goodbye, Juan!”
After the future son-in-law had left, the mother advised the daughter not to show any bad manners. After all, she had acceded to her mother’s wish that she marry Juan.