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by Carmelita Cochingco Ballesteros.
Sept 3, 2010
Dear Readers,
More than a century ago today, Valeriano Hernandez y Peña wrote the novel Mag-inang Mahirap. Being the Father of the Tagalog novel, he is a very important writer in Philippine literature. I believe that his novel Mag-inang Mahirap is an essential piece of historical fiction. Thus, every Filipino and everyone with Filipino roots should get to read Mag-inang Mahirap. I am translating it for the benefit of those who cannot read old Tagalog.
Carmelita C. Ballesteros
A few days of waiting seemed like a year to Julia who was becoming extremely impatient. Filled with anxiety and agony, she had to steel herself for more suffering. She was too ashamed to show herself to other people. Although there was hardly anything noticeable in her body, she was so ashamed of herself that she felt as if her very presence in public would confirm the undeniable truth.
And so even if her shameful condition was not yet conspicuous, she already dreaded the venom of public condemnation. Because of these anxieties, she postponed her plan to go somewhere and waited for the darkness of the evening in order to avoid being noticed in her disgraceful predicament. Wearing a kerchief around her head and carrying a dagger hidden in her clothes, she was determined to execute a secret plan that night.
“Either one between Alberto and me shall die or he shall vindicate my disgraced womanhood.” These were the words which she repeated to herself as she rushed into the night. She was decided to carry out either of these two things – the reasons she had ventured into the darkness. Suddenly, she stopped and approached a house furtively. After a few moments, she was perplexed: “There’s no light,” she said. “Where’s this man? … Ah, he’s probably having a tryst with Pilar… that woman who will probably impede the justice that I demand. But it doesn’t matter. Alberto won’t be hers if he can’t be mine. I will look for Alberto right now.”
Enraged, she went into the streets more determined to carry out her unfortunate plan. She was rushing headlong into nowhere when a young lady suddenly cut across her path. The young lady greeted her and put an arm around her shoulder.
“Julia! … What are you doing at this late hour of the night?” “Whatever I want to do is none of your business.” And she jerked away from the young lady as if she were avoiding a mortal enemy. “Wait, Julia, you can always count on my sympathy.” “Sympathy! No, thanks, I don’t need it. Bye.” “Wait, Julia, wait. Let’s talk for a while.” “And what do you want?” And she prepared to attack with her dagger, her mind full of many demons. But the young lady spoke: “You seem to be angry with me. Why, Julia? You shouldn’t. I share your suffering. Come, I’m your old friend who loves you. I know about your misfortune and I’m very sorry with all my heart.
“Come to my house so we can have a heartto-heart talk. Come, you shouldn’t treat me like an enemy.”
“If you’re not my enemy, I am your enemy. We’ll never see eye to eye with each other. You’d better mind your own business and leave me alone.” “Julia, try to remember how we got along so well in the past and you’ll realize that you’re mistaken.” ‘Mistaken or not, you should know that I’m in a very delicate condition right now. I have to seek justice.” “That’s your right, Julia. I sympathize with your misfortune and I’m offering you everything I can do for you. Don’t distrust me.” Julia’s fury abated for a moment because of the young lady’s gentle words which won her trust. Full of hope, she asked her: “Is it true, Pilar? You’ll give up your right to Alberto for my sake? I can’t believe what you’re saying. Maybe, it’s just a trap. Pardon me for doubting you.”
“You don’t know what’s in my heart, Julia. That’s why you don’t trust me. Why should I still want Alberto after I’ve discovered he doesn’t love me?” “And does he love me?” “I don’t know. But because of your condition, he must take care of you.” “He’ll take care of me, why not? But there’s an obstacle which cannot be hurdled unless something terrible happens. I know Alberto’s been avoiding me because of you. That’s why we can’t get married. “But either Alberto or I must die. Look, Pilar, the tragedy that’s waiting to happen is written at the point of this dagger. This will decide our fate.” “Julia, be prudent and sensible. You don’t have to do that to get what you want. Affection is the best means of winning his heart.”
“Affection! What affection can endear someone who refuses to be won over? A dagger shall settle the score between us.” “I’m shocked at you, Julia, and I can’t guess your true feelings.” “And why?” “Do you love Alberto?” Pilar asked. “More than you love him.” “If you love him, then why will you kill him?” “So nobody else can have him.” “Love’s not like that, Julia; no. If you love him, you should save his life if needed. But it’s you who’ll take his life? Your love is strange. I cannot understand what’s in your heart.” “Most probably, you’re worried about what I’ll do to Alberto.” “That’s true, Julia; not because Alberto loved me for a long time and I loved him, too; not because he endured so much suffering for my sake.
But because he’s a human being like us. “I ought to be afraid of the evil deed that you’re planning to do. It’s pointless and it won’t work to your advantage. Suppose you kill him because of your indignation and grief, will his death vindicate your tainted honor? “Perhaps not, and you’ll probably regret it when the arms of the law prosecute you for the life that you would have taken.” Julia became speechless as she listened to Pilar. Different thoughts crossed her mind. Sometimes, she understood the logic of Pilar’s reasoning. Sometimes, she felt suspicious that it was all because of Pilar’s great love for Alberto.
And sometimes, she felt like stabbing Pilar with the dagger in her hand – thinking that she was the big obstacle to her desire. But Pilar spoke again and said something which won her trust completely. “I have absolutely no more feelings for Alberto, Julia. What he did to your honor is enough to make me hate him. And I promise to help you find ways to persuade him to take care of you. We’re cousins. But you should promise me something right now.”
“Promise what?” “That you’ll give up your crazy plan.” “I can’t give you an answer right now.” “Do you doubt me?” “I don’t believe you don’t love Alberto anymore. And I cannot believe you, my enemy, will help me.” “There was some time when I thought of you as my enemy. But when I realized that Alberto’s love for me was untrue, my hatred for you vanished like smoke. What remains is my compassion for you.” “That’s a lie, Pilar. It’s impossible for you not to get hurt because of Alberto’s unfaithfulness.” “You’re right. Yes, I was hurt. I don’t think I could love anyone else. But I’ll keep my feelings to myself. It was my mistake that I believed him.”
“Even if you were mistaken, was his affair with me enough to quench your love for him?” “If he really loved me, he wouldn’t have fallen in love with you.” “And if he did love me, is that enough reason to make you shrink away from him?” “I’m very old-fashioned, Julia. I can never force someone to love me if he really doesn’t.” “You’re insulting me, Pilar.” “No, Julia, no. It’s what I truly feel. Why should I insult you?” “Because you know I’m pursuing him.” “You have a right to pursue him.” “And don’t you have a right to do the same?” “Absolutely none, Julia. Up to now, I’m still a virgin.” “It’s my fault that this has happened to me,” Julia said regretfully. But with Pilar’s kind and understanding words, she finally calmed down. It seemed that their old friendship had become stronger. Her evil plan became a flame which had been extinguished after Pilar showed her how to soften Alberto’s heart and how to make him bring back the lost respectability of her womanhood.
With Julia’s dreadful design vanishing from her mind, she heaped kindness upon kindness on Alberto. Little by little, his heart melted and he finally acquiesced to marry her. They agreed to hold their wedding within a short period of time. As the appointed date for his wedding approached, Alberto felt that the happiness which a young man like him should feel became an occasion for tears. No matter how hard he tried, he could not forget the woman who was his first love.
He had endured so much suffering and hardship for her. Besides, he was deeply embarrassed before Pilar’s mother whom he had deceived with his broken promises. What had happened to Julia and her forthcoming wedding to Alberto could not be hidden from Pilar’s mother. She called her daughter and asked: “How do you feel about what’s happening?” “Which happening, Inang?” asked Pilar. “Didn’t you know? Alberto’s getting married to Julia.” “Thank God if they’re getting married, at last. Thank goodness he was finally persuaded even if he really doesn’t want to.” “Doesn’t want to! Who doesn’t want to?” “It’s Alberto, Inang. In fact, Julia threatened to do something terrible to him. One night, I ran into Julia carrying a dagger and looking for him. If I didn’t advise her against it, I can’t say who between the two of them would have been dead by now.”
“And you even advised her?” “I feel sorry for Julia, Inang.” “You’re sorry for her but not for yourself?”
“I’m not aggrieved, Inang. My pure womanhood is absolutely yours till now, Inang. But Julia, ah! … Thank goodness Alberto finally pitied her.” “Aren’t you hurt because of what Alberto’s done?” “I’m hurting, Inang. But I also hate him. Why should I care for a man with a fickle heart like his?” “And where would you find someone who’s not like him?” “I’ve realized only now, Inang, that most men are like him. What I’ve experienced is enough. I’ll never love again.”
“I’m happy to know that nobody can criticize your purity. I’m sure there’ll be another young man who’ll be attracted to you.” “Inang, it’s enough to fall in love once.” “There’s certainly someone who’s better than him.” “For me, there’s nobody else. I’ll never fall in love with anyone else.” “You’re still very young. You don’t know what the future holds.” “I promise you, Inang. I’ll never get married.” “You’ll be very lonely when I die and you’re left alone.”
“I’ll die ahead of you, Inang. It pains me that I’ll be leaving you behind.” Pilar’s mother could not suppress a smile and took her daughter’s words as those of a woman who was beside herself with heartache. But after a few moments, she realized how great her daughter’s anguish was and her tears fell. “Don’t cry for me, Inang,” the daughter said when she saw her mother’s tears. “Maybe, what’s happened is for my own good? Besides, why should I get married if it shall bring me more misery?”
It was here that their conversation ended because Pilar felt a great shortness of breath and tightness of chest, thus preventing her from speaking any longer. And so as mother and daughter faced each other like speechless mutes, they both felt terribly unhappy and tears streamed down their eyes.
“Dear Readers, I visited with my family in the Philippines last month, August 2010. I was too busy to write as I had unlimited access to my grandkids. We went to Boracay as a family and had an amazing time together. CCB.”