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by Arnold De Villa
April 16, 2013
“Listening is a magnetic and strange thing, a creative force. The friends who listen to us are the ones we move toward. When we are listened to, it creates us, makes us unfold and expand.”
– Karl A. Menninger
Dr. Louann Brizendine, a clinical professor of psychiatry from the University of California (San Francisco) once declared that a woman uses about 20,000 words per day while a man speaks only about 7,000. From that time on, gender related issues on talking sparked controversies across all media with divergent inferences. Three years ago, quite related to this issue, researchers from the Indiana School of Medicine came up with a study suggesting that men only use half of their brains when listening while women used every neuron, implying that women listened more. Combining these two allegedly intellectual theories, we then can conclude that women listen better and talk more than men, a paradox I dare not solve.
Deviating from this gender controversy, is our need to be listened to greater than our need to talk? When with friends, isn’t it nice to be around someone who just stares at you with an unflinching look, absorbing every word you say? And when the opposite happens, when a person is so distracted that he or she keeps on asking to repeat everything you say, won’t you feel so peeved and disrespected that you would just leave that person alone?
From another angle, is it easier to talk or is it easier to listen? Would you rather tell your own story, share your own anecdotes, blurt out your complaints or listen to someone else’s pains and heartaches? Would you rather lend an ear or open your mouth? That leads me to the question of which comes first.
In the evolution of language, hearing is the predecessor of listening. Babies heard noises before they cried, before they talked, and before they listened. As it seems, talking came first and then listening followed as an expectant reaction to the noise we uttered. Hearing and listening are not the same. Among those who are not disabled, we all can hear, but not all of us listen; some because of poor attention, others because of poor comprehension, and still others because of a terrible non-caring attitude.
Listening is directly proportional to developmental maturity. The young and immature tend to listen less because they are adverse against sermons and persistent parental naggings. Yet, when they gather as a herd, they chirp in high decibels, but it seems they listen to each other as much as they talk, in their own strange way. Otherwise, peer pressure would not exist.
The middle aged working class do not have any choice. Rules require listening lest termination comes next. Listening is then more of a fear that something might be missed instead of an attitude that someone could be understood. Older adults tend to listen more. Since their hearing ability is often diminished, they actually pay more attention. And with that their intent to listen is more profound than superficial, more deliberate than accidental.
We don’t always need to be with human beings to enhance our skills in listening. If we do, the unscrupulous ones would use us as their dumping site. Beware of people who always have a need to be listened to, the ones who have an urgency to spill out the bitterness of their lives, the frustrations of their past, and the pessimism of their current affairs. They will cling to you like a lynch and drain you of your patience. With them, the best way to listen is when you make them listen to what they say. Repeat what they tell you as if you are confirming and they will eventually realize their own folly. There is no guarantee but it is worth a try.
Listening begins with an increased attention, a focused concentration, and an expectant emotion. In the midst of nature, when you walk through a forest preserve or sit in front of a lake, when you allow the wind to blow against your skin, the sun to warm its rays against your face, the birds to chirp as loudly as they please, the leaves to rustle on its branches, and you stand still or sit still, as you feel immersed in that miniscule event, your attention will reach another dimension and you will tend to focus better.
Beside a human being, male or female, the best way to listen is when you ask an open ended question right after the last statement. “So what happened next?” or “What do you think about it?” or “How do you feel now?” Such questions establish an attitude of interest and opens doors for further conversation. Statements like “I understand”, “I hear you”, or “I know” are ineffective clichés that do not truly reflect an act of listening. Sometimes, they could be misinterpreted as being dismissive or ritualistic, that is, we say something for the mere sake of saying something, to appear that we are listening, although deep inside we are not.
Among human beings, the need to be listened to is greater than the need to talk. Therefore, the skill to listen is more appreciated than our ability to talk. When a child talks to a doll, it is not because this child needs to talk, but it is because there is probably no one listening. Do not intrude. Listen on the side. And then come up with a way to insert it the next time you talk to the child. Our need to be listened to is at times so great that we will even talk to our dogs who will only stare at us with an odd look.
Psst….listen! Although it takes effort to share an undivided attention, it is worth listening to someone. Any individual has a story worth more than the Britannica. When responded to properly, chapters unravel lessons that we will never learn or earn from any academic degree. When listened to with all our interest, a person unravels a unique life that could sound mundane, yet profound when the onion skin is gradually peeled.
Yes, in this multi-tasking environment, we are sometimes forced to respond simultaneously to multiple demands. It has been proven that the brain can only work effectively one task at a time. Multi-tasking is a myth. Your wife calls you on your cell phone asking if you are about to be home for dinner. You have not responded. Your cell phone is on your right ear. Then your office phone rings. You make your wife wait. And then your boss asks if you could stay longer to finish a project on the other phone. Dare to say “yes” or “no” while having both phones close to our mouth. Then wait for the disaster to take place.
And that is why listening has been designed and intended to be personal and highly individualistic. We listen to a person as an individual, comprehending every word that he or she says not merely as a spoken word but as a portion of his or her personality, his or her life, his or her importance and significance. Although we have a human need to talk, it is more humane to listen. And when we master how to listen well, I guarantee that you will learn how to talk better.