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May 27, 2010 By Carmelita Cochingco Ballesteros.
Dear Readers,More than a century ago today, Valeriano Hernandez y Peña wrote the novel Mag-inang Mahirap. Being the Father of the Tagalog novel, he is a very important writer in Philippine litera- ture. I believe that his novel Mag-inang Mahirap is an essential piece of historical fiction. Thus, every Filipino and everyone with Filipino roots should get to read Mag-inang Mahirap. I am translating it for the benefit of those who cannot read old Tagalog.
Carmelita C. Ballesteros
For a whole week, Alberto agonized over Pilar’s letter. He never thought that Pi lar would be capable of writing those harsh words. He had expected a reply that was full of sweet affection to soothe his hurt feelings.
On the other hand, Alberto felt assured by Pilar’s avowal that her heart was pure. However, he was worried by a strong state- ment of hers, especially if her last sentence were analyzed: “Until after I am enlightened, I do not belong to anyone else.”
It meant that even after she was enlight- ened, she would still remain free and could belong to someone else aside from him. Be- cause of his lack of faith in her sincerity, he was anxious that Pilar might be so hurt and insulted that she might break their engage- ment. He was afraid of losing his Pilar who had always been the most important part of his life.
“Why was I blinded by jealousy?” he of- ten said to himself. “Why didn’t I realize that the man who was discrediting Pilar was some- one who secretly wanted to ruin our relation- ship? Ah! She has reason to say that I’m faint- hearted. But we shall see each other soon.” These had been Alberto’s feelings since his receipt of Pilar’s reply. And so when she came to visit, he did not know what to do to make amends for his impulsive letter which he had known himself would offend a woman with a pure heart. But moved by his abiding love for her, he put aside his apprehension, met her happily, and greeted her joyfully.
“I am blessed because you have come. I’ve been dreaming of this day. How are you, Pilar?”
“I’m fine. And you, how’s life here?”
“I can’t give you any answer, Pilar.”
“And why?”
“I can’t complain of hardships. Your pres- ence is enough to make up for all of my suf- fering. I can’t say I’m happy. You know what a prisoner like me has to endure. So don’t ask anymore. It’s enough that I feel very happy because you’re here with me.”
“That sounds like smoke and clouds that suddenly vanish in the midst of truth.”
“Is there any other truth than what I feel and what I’m saying right now?”
“Even if you won’t say it right now, you’ve already said it: that your trust in me has been eroded and my worth in your eyes has been reduced. So how can I believe what you’re saying right now?”
And she heaved a deep sigh which pierced Alberto’s heart like a thorn as he re- membered his letter which had filled him with remorse. He replied sadly:
“My letter, my letter, Pilar…”
“What about your letter?”
“Forgive me, Pilar. It was an impulse which I’ve been regretting since then.”
“It’s not your letter which you should re- gret.”
“And what else?”
“Your love for me because you cannot trust me. Your faith in me has been betrayed and I don’t deserve to be trusted.”
“Stop it, Pilar. Your reply to my letter was more than enough to choke me. I know only too well how precious you are. Forgive me for all that I wrote in my letter.”
“I forgive you, Alberto, but nothing can erase what you’ve written in your letter. It has made me realize that I’m worth nothing to you. You shouldn’t have wasted your time on me for so long.”
“No, Pilar, a thousand times no. I admit my fault and I’m asking for your forgiveness if I still deserve it. Please… have pity on my broken heart.”
The young lady fell silent as if giving both of them a chance to soothe their feelings. Then Alberto spoke again:
“You are so precious to me that I die with the mere thought that you’ve forsaken me.”
“I have forsaken you? And what made you think so?”
“You have nothing to do with it. It was a rascal who wove that lie and because you’re so dear to me, it hurt me so much that I wrote you right away without thinking.”
“A rascal? Who is he? And what lies did he weave about me? Tell me who he is.”
“No, Pilar. It doesn’t matter anymore. It’s enough that I’m full of remorse and I’m ask- ing for your forgiveness.”
“I forgive you, but don’t hide that man who’s responsible for slandering me.”
“I’m not hiding him, Pilar. I just don’t want you to feel bad anymore because of it. There’ll come a time when I’ll be able to make him pay for slandering you. Please don’t bother to find out who he is anymore. It will only make me worry. Forget him because I have no more doubts.”
“You have no more doubts?…”
“No more, Pilar, never again. But there’s one thing I’d like to ask you.”
“What is it?”
“I want you to explain the contradiction in the last part of your letter.”
“Which contradiction?” “That you’re neither mine nor anyone else’s until after you’re enlightened about my suspicion.”
“What explanation do you need?”
“That you don’t belong to me anymore.”
“And to whom do I belong?”
“I don’t know, Pilar. My fate is in your hands.”
“In my hands!”
“Yes, because…”
“Because what? Why don’t you say it?”
“It’s possible that even after you’ve been enlightened, you could belong to someone else because your letter has that double meaning.”
“You’re mistaken.”
“No, Pilar. Think it over and there’s no other possible meaning except that even af- ter you’ve been enlightened, you could still belong to someone else as long as you wanted to.”
“And why?”
“Listen and I’ll read what you wrote: ‘un- til after I am enlightened, I now belong to myself and do not belong to anyone else.’ So now that you’ve been enlightened, that ‘anyone’ could be me, and I hope it is I, but it’s possible that it isn’t.”
Our young lady was taken aback for a few moments. It seemed that she had under- stood what Alberto was trying to say. As she tried to figure it out in her mind, Alberto mocked her playfully:
“Think it over as well as you can. If it’s what you really wish, I might as well know it right now.”
Pilar smiled sweetly at Alberto, looked at him tenderly, then spoke:
“If you consider my mistake in composi- tion as another reason to doubt my sincer- ity, then you’re really just looking for some- thing to hurt yourself.”
“Your mistake! You mean you didn’t bother to check if what you’d written would hurt me?”
“What are you trying to worry about again? So I wrote something wrong because I don’t write well or because I was so hurt by your letter that my mind was confused. And you’ll consider it a reason to doubt me?
“And you’ll start another misunderstand- ing between us? Alberto, your faint heart is choking you.”
“You’re right, Pilar. I have a faint heart. The mere thought that I might lose you is killing me.”
“Are you out of your mind? Pardon me for saying it. You love me and your love for me has caused your imprisonment which pains me so much. Do you think I’ll repay you with faithlessness? Don’t you remem- ber that I killed a man in defense of my honor because of you?
“Why do you still doubt me? Do you think I have a reckless heart? If that’s what you think, there’s nothing I can do. It’s enough that you’ve known my love. If you keep on doubting me, then…”
“I keep on doubting you! No, Pilar, ab- solutely not. That’s just a bad dream.”
“Then why do you persecute me be- cause I used the wrong words?”
“I’m not persecuting you, Pilar. I just wanted to be reassured of your affection. That’s why I wanted you to explain that vague part in your letter. My soul longs to hear sweet words from your lips. It’s your love that helps me stay happy although I’m in prison.
“But to doubt you! Oh! That’s an outra- geous affront to your faithful heart. I respect you. I cherish you.”
Pilar was about to say something, but a man rushed in and told Alberto:
“Your name has been called out from the list several times!”
“Ah!…” Alberto moaned, then sadly bid Pilar goodbye. “You have to go now. They might close the gates… I will write.”
And he ran inside to answer the roll call.
“I will wait!” Pilar shouted in reply which Alberto acknowledged with a nod.
“Poor Alberto!” whispered Pilar who went out of the visiting area full of sadness and concern.
As she was going out of the door, the rascal Juan rushed to her in reckless pursuit of his desire.
“Pilar of my life!… Don’t tell me that you have no time left for me? Wait and let’s talk a while.”
Pilar ignored him although her heart was bursting with fury. Being ignored by her made him do something bolder and more shameful.
He held her hand tight and, almost in tears, begged her to talk a while with him. The brave woman could not contain herself any longer. She let fly a hard slap on the face of the rascal who was completely shocked.
A commotion ensued by the doorway and Alberto overheard what had happened. But he could not rush to the scene because he was held back by a number of inmates who realized how dangerously furious he was.
Pilar, on the other hand, continued on her way out.
“One day, I’ll get even with you!” shouted Juan.
“I’ll be waiting,” Pilar said.
Admonished by the guards at the door, Juan did not say anything in reply. Humiliated, his face was still numb from the imprint of a woman’s indignant hand.
Our young lady walked on and the two prisoners were left waiting for bitter opportu- nities to give vent to their hostile feelings.