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by Carmelita Cochingco Ballesteros.
October 15, 2010
Chapter 44
After about two months, the public witnessed Pilar’s wedding. They gossiped about her mourning clothes without realizing how tormented her soul had been.
* * *
Since olden times until the present day, brides who are children of the earth cry for unknown reasons. Their souls seem to be agitated by strange emotions on the day that they leave their parents’ homes and cross the point of no-return.
Some cry at the thought of giving up their blessed innocence; some cry, perhaps, because of the frightening responsibilities which they must assume; and some cry because of the different worries which are certain to oppress their hearts on that day.
That is the day which seems to be enveloped in mystery – something which they cannot understand — and thus, overwhelms them with indescribable emotions.
Pilar was no exception to this and as soon as she woke up that morning, she probably felt more oppressed than past brides did. In obedience to her mother, she swallowed the bitter cup of suffering to show to all that she was a good daughter.
She did not wear any white like others did on this occasion. She was wrapped in black, mourning clothes and she looked as if she were attending the funeral of someone whom she loved more than herself.
To be clad in black – she had implored her mother and her groom to let her do. After dressing up, she kissed her mother and said, with tears in her eyes:
“Today, I shall honor your commitment, Inang. I’m going to the church now! Aren’t you coming with me?”
“Of course I am. I was just waiting for you to finish dressing up. Why are you crying?”
“It’s nothing, Inang. Please dress up now. They’re probably waiting for us in church.”
Because of this, the mother felt heavy-hearted for a moment, but thinking that most women who were about to marry felt sad, she ignored her daughter’s unhappiness.
Mother and daughter left, but after walking a short distance from their hut, Pilar could not ignore the two children who had become hoarse from crying because they wanted to go with her.
And so she was forced to go back and to spend some time cheering them up and promising them all sorts of things until they were persuaded to stay behind. She even kissed the smaller girl before she went on her way.
As our Pilar emerged at the door of the church, many of Juan’s relatives were shocked at her mourning clothes which were truly inappropriate on this occasion when she must look as beautiful as possible.
They all expressed their disapproval, but Pilar did not mind this. Since she did not make any reply, everyone concluded that her mourning clothes clearly showed her contempt for this marriage which she never wanted herself.
* * *
After a few moments, the ceremony began and Pilar had to accept Juan as her true husband. Before a priest, she knelt beside Juan and they vowed to face a new life together.
The wedding ceremony was completed; however, although Juan was soaring with pride and happiness, Pilar was drowning in grief and sorrow. Both felt deep in their hearts the great significance of this event in their lives.
Juan had big expectations that he would find with this woman all the happiness that life could offer. For Pilar, however, this was the bleakest moment of her life, though it was because of her mother that she forced herself to do something against her will.
Sweet mysteries reigned in Juan’s heart and joy filled his soul. It never occurred to him that Pilar’s languidness and black clothes were omens of what was to come.
“I have no other love,” Pilar kept saying to herself after returning from church. “What love can I give this man aside from fulfilling my duties? Nothing. And aside from my duties, there’s nothing else that he can expect from me.
“What kind of relationship shall we have? What happiness will he or I get from this relationship?
“Can I live peacefully with someone who may not be an enemy but is not a friend? No, and this is my greatest sorrow which my mother never considered when she agreed to give me in marriage to him.
“My mother loves me and her love for me is incomparable. But it’s blind. She thinks I’ll find happiness in money. What else can I do now? I couldn’t refuse my mother’s wish so I must be strong to face misery now.
“I will love my husband; it’s my honest duty. But it will be a forced affection. Maybe it will cause more pain. I’ll have to pretend that I’m resigned to my fate.
“I married Mang Juan because of my mother, and honoring her, I shall endure whatever happens to me.”
Full of anxiety and troubled by her own thoughts, she had been leaning on one side of her chair. All of a sudden, while she was thus reflecting, she remembered something and became very anxious and agitated.
She became distraught, stood up at once, and clasped her hands. She looked skyward as if she were asking to be forgiven for a grave sin. Crying softly, she said:
“I made a solemn promise to Aling Binday when she was dying… and she was asking me to take care of her children… I made a solemn promise that I’d never be engaged to her husband… I refused her firmly although she was dying.
“What has happened to that vow of mine? I shouldn’t have married Mang Juan! Oh! My conscience condemns me. I shouldn’t have done this. My marriage isn’t sacred. I knew my mother wanted it only for money.
“I never loved Mang Juan. Besides, I made a solemn vow to his wife that I would never be persuaded to marry him. Why has this happened to me?… Mother of mine! Am I really destined to suffer? My life is so bitter!”
Then she heaved a deep sigh and did not breathe again.
“What happened?” asked those who were around when they saw her collapse.
They crowded around her, but she was already dead and there was nothing which they could do despite their prompt attention. Nothing at all. Pilar was already a corpse and not even a sweet smile did she leave behind for her husband.
From the height of euphoria, Juan’s great happiness was smashed and he burst into genuine tears as Old Munda’s wish to see her daughter live comfortably vanished like a mirage on that very day. It vanished like smoke.
Nothing was left but Pilar’s corpse which the mother cradled on her lap and over which she wept, lamenting and regretting what she had done.
These had been the results of their dreams. These were the evidence which prove to us that we do not get everything which we want in this life. Nevertheless, Pilar succeeded in honoring her pledge, “I HAVE NO OTHER LOVE.”
Dear Readers,
More than a century ago today, Valeriano Hernandez y Peña wrote the novel Mag-inang Mahirap. Being the Father of the Tagalog novel, he is a very important writer in Philippine literature. I believe that his novel Mag-inang Mahirap is an essential piece of historical fiction. Thus, every Filipino and everyone with Filipino roots should get to read Mag-inang Mahirap. I am translating it for the benefit of those who cannot read old Tagalog.
Carmelita C. Ballesteros