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by Carmelita Cochingco Ballesteros.
Sept 12, 2010
Dear Readers,
More than a century ago today, Valeriano Hernandez y Peña wrote the novel Mag-inang Mahirap. Being the Father of the Tagalog novel, he is a very important writer in Philippine literature. I believe that his novel Mag-inang Mahirap is an essential piece of historical fiction. Thus, every Filipino and everyone with Filipino roots should get to read Mag-inang Mahirap. I am translating it for the benefit of those who cannot read old Tagalog. . Carmelita C. Ballesteros
It was midnight when Julia woke up on the day that she and Alberto would get married. She chose her best clothes which would be appropriate for the ceremony.
After several hours, the two young women who were assisting her finally succeeded in dressing her up for the occasion. They exerted every effort to make her look more attractive than she was so that whoever might look at her might be pleased.
When they finished adorning her with various pieces of jewelry, she did look like a respectable and beautiful woman, though she did not have much beauty to speak of.
Julia was not plain anymore and even those who knew her might not recognize her because of her elegant attire which transformed her former looks and made her appear really striking on that morning.
The immaculate white veil, the azahar on her head (a symbol of virginity), and the gold jewelry with precious stones which were sparkling on her fingers, head, ears, and neck all helped to make her look radiant on such an important occasion in her life.
We need not mention that Julia stood out among the bridesmaids when they left to go to church. It was enough that because she stood out among them, everyone who saw her was dazzled.
But if some found her attractive, others smirked at her, mocked her, and whispered among themselves who knew about Alberto’s being pushed into marrying her.
Julia felt then that she was on top of the world because she did not realize that everyone who knew about her life was ridiculing her. That she was being ridiculed secretly was a social ill, but this derision had basis because it was clear to everyone who knew that she virtually stole his heart which was not meant to be hers.
When they arrived in church, Alberto was not there.
Everyone was taken aback because of this, especially Julia. Although the young ladies with her were cheering her up, she also got tired of waiting for Alberto and she was afraid that he might break his promise and cancel the wedding.
He arrived at last, but he looked confused, depressed, and indifferent to the people who had been vexed while waiting for him.
Alberto was unhappy and Julia’s captivating appearance in her elegant attire did not attract him at all. Instead, it made him think of discontinuing the ceremony. But it could not be avoided anymore.
“What kept you from coming earlier?” asked Julia.
But Alberto did not bother to answer her and talked nonchalantly with the young ladies who were seated with her.
“The priest is tired of waiting,” someone interrupted Alberto. “Let’s chat later.”
“Let him wait. How long have you been here?”
“The sun hasn’t risen yet when we arrived and it’s been an hour…”
“Hurry up!” the chief acolyte shouted roughly and this cut short the conversation.
The bridesmaids almost pushed Alberto because of their great annoyance with him. Hardly stirring, it seemed that he did not wish to move his feet, which looked like they had weights, in order to delay the ceremony.
Like a king, the chief acolyte shouted at them again and it was only then that he finally moved a little faster and obeyed instructions reluctantly.
Alberto wanted to die at that very moment rather than think about his first love whom he himself discarded. He got intoxicated with a fleeting pleasure, but this pleasure was like smoke that vanished.
And now, it was causing him so much pain but there was nothing that he could do except to take Julia as his wife no matter what happened. And so it happened.
Although Alberto was weeping in his heart and was mourning his inescapable marriage to Julia, he knelt beside her and vowed before the altar that he would fulfill his duties and obligations as enjoined by the bonds of matrimony which could never be unbound.
Alberto and Julia were already married and after complying with the requirements of the church, the woman felt very happy while the man could not contain his grief and it was still Pilar who was on his mind.
The newly-wed couple arrived at Julia’s house. Everybody rejoiced: some sang, some played musical instruments, some danced to the music – all in thanksgiving and praise and in honor of the couple who had just gotten married.
But Alberto was the only one who was unhappy. He just looked on and, once in a while, tears fell from his eyes.
To hide his sorrow from the guests, he went inside a room and spent the time there reflecting on what had happened to him.
Unable to stand Alberto’s absence, Julia followed him inside the room and, greatly puzzled, asked him softly:
“What’s bothering you? Are you sick? Would you like to lie down for a while?”
“In the grave, yes. Ah, Julia! I want to die now!”
“Alberto!… Why?”
“Don’t call my name because you’re not the one who can end my suffering.”
“Who else when it’s me you have married?”
“I’ve married you, that’s true, but our marriage is the beginning of my grief, my misfortune, and my gradual death.”
“And it’s because of me?”
“You’re my wife now,” said Alberto, “and so I shouldn’t keep any secret from you.”
“Thank you, but what do you mean.”
“What you’ve heard is enough.”
“So your decision to marry me meant your death?”
“It would’ve been my death, too, had I not agreed to marry you. Between these two deaths, I chose the one which would vindicate your honor. You should be happy now.”
“I should be happy, but you are sad.”
“That you’ve been saved from ridicule should be enough to make you happy.”
“That’s true, Alberto, but I can’t be happy all by myself. It’s my duty to love you. What happiness can I feel if you are unhappy? Can I bear to see you suffering while I relish my happiness?
“No, Alberto, no. It’s better for me to die rather than see you suffer because of me. My life has no meaning now since I’ve already earned the right to be called your wife.”
“Is that enough for you?”
“Yes, Alberto. I can be proud of myself now.”
“If what you say is true, then do me one favor.”
“What is it?”
“Promise me first that you won’t refuse me.”
“If it’s good, then my full consent is yours. Trust in it, Alberto. There’s no request you ask which shall be refused. My heart belongs to you completely.”
“It’s mine, yes, but you’ve set the condition that you’ll consent if it’s good.”
“So you want me to do something bad?”
“At first, it would really seem bad. But if you’ll think it over carefully, it will be good for the two of us.”
“Tell me about it then. I want to know it right away.”
“And will you obey me?”
“Yes, because I love you.”
“Really?”
“Yes, Alberto, you can count on my sweet obedience.”
A smile was seen on Alberto’s face, but it was not a smile of happiness. Instead, it was a smile of pity on his wife and her gentle words. But these were not enough to change his mind about some secret plans which he wanted to accomplish.
Meanwhile, Julia tried to console herself by wiping her bitter tears away, tears which she could not hold back as she and Alberto faced each other during this poignant moment.
“Don’t cry, Julia,” Alberto said to console his wife. “In the days to come, there’ll be more reasons to weep. Today’s just a hint of what the end would be.”
And tenderly, he caressed his wife’s face which was distorted with so much unhappiness. Both of them grieved over something which they did not fully understand.
After a few moments, Alberto realized that what he was planning to do was wrong and so he sighed and remained silent for a while. On the other hand, all sorts of suspicions raced in Julia’s mind and she asked, crying:
“Is it such a big favor you want to ask from me?”
“It’s also very difficult, but it can become easy if you’ll consent to it.”
“And why not? I’m your wife now; we must share in everything. Tell me and I’ll accept it whatever it is. Tell me right away. I’m eager to do whatever you wish.”
“I want to go away, Julia. Since I’ve already given you my name, my heart, and everything that I should to restore your honor, then let me go away. I cannot bear to stay here. This is my wish which you were so eager to know.”
“Why do you want to go away? Are you going to abandon me?”
“I hate to do it, but I have to.”
“And where will you go?”
“God knows where; I don’t know.”
“What you’re going to do, Alberto, is just a big impulse. Think it over first.”
“I have thought it over.”
“What about me? What will happen to me if you will leave me?”
“Both of us must suffer. This is our misfortune.”
“Misfortune! And why?”
“Because you knew I was already engaged to someone else. If I agreed to marry you, it was just to save you from ridicule.”
“That’s true. But why will you go away?”
“So that Pilar and her mother won’t be reminded all the time of what I did to them.”
“If that’s the reason, then why will you leave me? Can’t you go away from them but not from me?”
“How?”
“I’ll go with you wherever you want to go. I cannot bear it if you leave me. Even if your destination means death, I’ll go with you. Don’t leave me worrying about you. How can I bear what you’re going to do? Ah, Alberto! Your request is too difficult.”
“Yes, it’s very difficult, but I can’t delay any further. I’ve decided everything no matter what happens.”
“And you said it would be good for both of us? Ah, Alberto! My life is so bitter! I wanted so much to be married to you because I thought the grace of the sacrament would make our union joyful.
“But what you want me to do for you is more painful than death. Can you really not stay a little longer?”
“This is my promise to myself.”
“And you did not consider my condition at all?”
“You have peace of mind now.”
“Why?”
“Because you’re now carrying my name as a married woman.”
“I’m married, yes, but only in name if you will leave me. And you want me to pretend that I won’t be hurt even if you leave me. So that’s what you think, that’s why you want to leave me.
“Haven’t you considered that you won’t even see our child after it’s born? Can you go away and leave me to shoulder your responsibilities all by myself even if you’re alive?”
“If you can’t shoulder everything alone because I’m alive, remember, I’ve told you that I really want to die right now. Don’t be impatient; you’ll hear about my corpse soon.”
“Alberto! Alberto! …everything you’re saying is just a bad dream.”
“A bad dream!… Ah, Julia! You probably don’t understand the depth of my feelings right now.”
“I understand, Alberto. Can’t this child in my womb move your heart? This child is the proof of your love for me.”
“Love!… I have no other love, and that love of mine was ended when we met.”
“Your words, Alberto, are so cruel. Unlucky child of mine! It’s better for us to die!”
And Julia suddenly fell in a heap, unable to stand the rush of emotions. She lost consciousness and it was then that everyone went into the room to help her while Alberto who was mumbling incoherently like a madman left the house without wasting a second.