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by Carmelita Cochingco Ballesteros.
Aug 6, 2010
It was dawn. The atmosphere was so beautiful that it was a wonderment to watch the starry sky which seemed to be pouring out her brightness and sending heavenly joy to the world below. The breeze which was blowing on the wide forests seemed to be offering sweet mysteries that were enough to cheer up even the most miserable heart of all. But a tormented young man was crossing the fields mindlessly and was talking to himself deliriously as if he were deranged. “It was here that I passed,” he said, “when I looked for Pilar. This place was the first witness to my anxieties and fears.”
He walked on and on, though almost every second reminded him of painful matters which pierced his soul.
“The dawn is breaking,” he said. “What a magnificent morning it is! But it’s making me even more miserable. Ah, Pilar!” Then he suddenly stopped.
He looked around from end to end as if he were dazed. Afterwards, he sat down – exhausted from the burdensome guilt which had not gotten tired of reminding him of the past. “There was the wide forest where I wandered. There was the big tree where I rested on that dreadfully dark night. Over there was where I was captured by the bandits and I went with them like a fool so I could find Pilar… “Ah! …what a bitter end to our love! What a tragedy to lose Pilar! … I threw away her love for me! Our engagement was broken because of my faithlessness! She has reasons to avoid me like the plague.
I’m guilty. It’s all my fault.” As he talked to himself ceaselessly and recalled the past, daylight caught up with him. It looked as though he were going out of his mind.
Suddenly, he took out two letters from his pocket. After unfolding one of them, he sighed and said: “Oh, Pilar! Is it true that you wish I were dead?
No! I probably misunderstood the meaning of this letter. I’ll read it again so I’ll understand it better. Pilar will never wish me anything awful.” “Alberto: the lie is over, the engagement is broken, and my doubts have been laid to rest. You cannot deny the truth that you want to hide anymore. Your secret which you want to keep from me and which you don’t want to admit drips from everybody’s lips. “Now it is clear that Julia is the mother of your child and she should make you assume responsibility for the truth which you tried so hard to conceal from me every time we talked about it. “And now, can you still deny it? Ah, Alberto! There is no limit to the dishonesty which you return for my sincerity. But you have nothing to worry about me and I advise you to face your responsibility with Julia.
“I can never accept you as part of my life again. I am disgusted with your fickle heart which up to the very last second has not learned how to be honest.
“I will swallow the very bitter betrayal of my trust in you as well as that of my mother whom you deceived with your faithless love for me. It never occurred to me that you would also make her suffer from your treachery. “My mother would not have known about our engagement if you had not told her yourself that we would get married as soon as it was possible. But all sorts of obstacles made us stumble, and together, we suffered through all of them. “I have not forgotten, Alberto, the hardships which we shared together. And because of the greatness of your suffering, I thought that your love had become stronger and I never thought that it would end this way. “I have no hard feelings for you; it is enough that I have decided to spend my life alone. I beg you never to come to our place again so that my mother won’t be reminded of your unmistakable low regard for us. “You treated us like dirt – this is true, Alberto – and because of what you did I can never take you back even if you should abandon your responsibility for Julia’s misfortune. I cannot accept that because of me, you would not be able to fulfill your honest obligation. – Pilar.” * * *
“She cannot love me again,” he said, “and she’s confirming it in this letter. But what obligation should I fulfill? Julia’s predicament was not my fault.
“Did I love Julia? No, I never did. It was her enticing ways which seduced me. I have no guilt to admit before Julia and before other people. “Why should I care if she falls into a disgraceful condition? I never wooed her. I never forced my desire on her. Ah, I have no obligation to fulfill and I cannot accept her as the key to my home. “No, except Pilar, I shall never marry any other woman. Pilar doesn’t want me anymore. She’s disgusted with my fickle heart. It doesn’t mean that I’ll marry someone else. No, I’ll just roam and wander around.” After turning these thoughts in his mind, he kept Pilar’s letter, then read another letter which said: “Alberto: I want you to know that I will do anything in view of the humiliating condition that I have fallen into. It is better for me to die if you will not take care of me. “I want you to make a decision regarding my condition right away. Time is running out on me and I cannot allow you to ignore my misfortune just like that. “Either you will confirm that you are the father of my child or something will happen to the two of
us. Either of us has no right to live anymore and must disappear from the face of the earth if ever you will not do justice to my honor which has fallen into disgrace. “Don’t ignore me because if you do, you will be shocked by a sudden change in me. “I repeat that either of us has no right to live anymore.
“Do your best to save ourselves from a big scandal which may break out anytime.
“I am waiting for you. – Julia.” * * * “I’m not afraid,” Alberto said angrily. Then he stood up, crumpled Julia’s letter, and walked in a hurry.
He walked on furiously. Sometimes, he blamed himself; sometimes, he thought of becoming a vagabond; sometimes, he cursed Julia. Walking with big and sure strides, he reached a place with many houses before noontime. Soon, he was in the town proper and he went directly up the stairs of one of the biggest houses in the area. He behaved as if he knew his way around this house. “Oh, it’s you, Alberto,” said an old man who was surprised at seeing him. The old man added, “There must be an important reason why you’re here!” Without saying anything, Alberto took the old man’s hand as if in answer and kissed it respectfully, then asked: “How’s life, Tio?” “Fine; and you? …I heard that you’d been killed in the battlefield. Thank God you’re alive.” “It would have been better if I had died then, compared to what’s happening to me now.” “Oho! And why? There must be a deeper meaning in what you said. How can you pretend to know better than God? That’s an outrageous statement which should not be uttered by anyone. “Why don’t you come in so we can talk heartto- heart? You have such a faint heart. Do you really wish that you’d rather been killed? That’s a big madness! Sit down, sit down. This young man…” After Alberto had sat down, he groped for the right words to say for a few moments, then he asked: “What happened, Tio Culas, when Kapitan Manuel had you imprisoned?” “How did you know about that? You were nowhere during that time.”
“I was in prison, Tio.” “Oh, yes, now I remember. And your father was beside himself trying to expedite your release. So how did you hear about me?” “Someone whom Kapitan Manuel had sent to be imprisoned at the capitol told me about you. According to him, Kapitan Manuel threatened to have you arrested as an accomplice of the rebels, too.” “He did not merely threaten me. He actually informed the Spaniards that I was a rebel sympathizer. He wanted to get even with me because we had a dispute in the past, and I did not stop until it reached the attention of the Judge.
“If he had not bribed the Spaniards, I don’t know what might have happened. I was determined not to give up unless he was punished for detaining me illegally.” “In short, he had his case dismissed by bribing the Judge. It’s shocking that the Judge accepted it.” “Of course! He got whatever he wanted from the Spaniards. He spent money to win their favor!” “And he even accused you of being a rebel accomplice?” “Who was I to be an exception? I who was his enemy? As soon as Kapitan Manuel became a spy for the Spaniards, he caused the arrest of just about everyone.
It was good that I was able to hide then. “If not, Kapitan Manuel who hated me so much wouldn’t be satisfied even if I were shot to death. Oh… I don’t want to recall the things that man did in this town. He’s the kind of leader who craved nothing but honor for himself.” “So you went into hiding.” “What was I supposed to do? Risk my life? Even if I’m already old, it’s only right that I value my life. And this is what everyone should do.” “That’s true, Tio, but if life consists of nothing but suffering, then it’s better…” “Stop it, stop it, Alberto. That’s the dialogue of fools; don’t finish it. Don’t you know that you’re committing a sin? Everyone should learn how to accept hardship. And why? Was it such a big misfortune that has befallen you? Tell me.”
Although Alberto groped for words as he narrated everything that had happened in his life, he was encouraged to go on by the keen attention and searching questions of Kapitan Culas, his uncle. And so he told him about one incident after another in these words: “Perhaps, Tio, it’s not unknown to you that I’ve been long engaged to marry Pilar and the only reason our wedding hasn’t been celebrated yet was the misfortunes which came our way one after another. I was even imprisoned when we were arrested together with…” “I already know all of that,” cut the old man. “So why were you saying that it were better if you had died in the battlefield? Has Pilar been unfaithful to you?” “No, Tio; I’m the guilty one. That’s why she wants to break off our engagement.” “She wants to break it off ! …that means it’s not yet broken. You’re just too fainthearted and you want to die for no reason at all.”
“You know, Tio…” “No, I don’t know. You must tell me first.” “When I came home from the mountains, it so happened that Julia, Pilar’s cousin, was in Pilar’s house. Since then, I’ve noticed that she was infatuated with me, something which I didn’t ignore. I took advantage of her flirtation. Men are like that, you know.” “Is that the practice nowadays – that although one’s already engaged, he still looks for a new love?” “I didn’t look for her, Tio. It was she who seduced me into falling in love with her.” “So you loved her?” “I didn’t love her, Tio. I just wanted to pass the time with her. Then we began to actually enjoy each other’s company… And now she wants me to marry her because of an undeniable proof of our relationship.” “So you have a relationship with her.” “I just wanted to pass the time, Tio. I had no plans of marrying her.” “If you didn’t plan to marry her, then why did you drag her into this difficulty? Don’t you realize that because of what you’ve done, her purity as a woman is now a thing of the past and nobody else would ever have an honorable interest in her?” “It’s not my fault that this has happened to her.”
“Even if the guilt is not yours alone, you played a great part in it. If you didn’t pay attention to her, you wouldn’t have an obligation to face right now.”
“That’s what I want to avoid, Tio. I trust that you won’t refuse to help me. That’s why I came here.” “Of course, I won’t refuse to help you. You’re the son of my true brother.” “What must I do, Tio?” “You must marry Julia.” “I don’t love that woman, Tio.” “If you didn’t love her, you shouldn’t have involved yourself in a relationship with her. And now, who do you want to vindicate the honor which you have defiled?” “Must I be responsible for her predicament, Tio, when it was she who nearly asked me to do it?” “Marry her so you won’t commit a sin before God and a crime before society.”
“What about Pilar? Must I give up my honorable intentions to marry Pilar for whom I’ve endured so much hardship and suffering?” “That’s your fault; you must suffer the consequences. I’m also sorry that you’d be losing Pilar, but I can never advise you to abandon Julia. If only for the sake of your unborn child, you should vindicate her honor. “Do you want that child to be born without a father to call? And do you want the mother of your child to fall into disrepute? Marry her, marry her and abide by whatever happens.” “I cannot do it, Tio. That’s why I said it were better if I had died then.” Alberto took Julia’s letter from his pocket. “Julia’s threatening in this letter that she’ll take revenge on me if I won’t marry her.” “Of course. Don’t you realize that a young woman’s humiliation is unimaginable? Marry her; that’s my advice to you.” “I cannot marry her, Tio. What kind of marriage shall we have if there’s no love between us?” “You shouldn’t have carried an affair with her if that’s your way of reasoning. I’m not forcing you to marry someone you don’t love, but you should remember that you have a soul which will pay for your sins.” “Wouldn’t it be a heavier burden on my conscience, Tio, if we would separate later because of incompatibility?” “Is separation the only cure to a couple’s incompatibility? Isn’t there any other way to have a serene relationship?” “It will be more difficult, Tio, if we’re already married. It’s better to think it carefully before getting into it.”
“Ah! …you are your own judge. You do know that you should think it carefully. Then why did you allow yourself to be seduced into a liaison with her?” “What I meant, Tio, is to think about getting married carefully, not about passing the time and being seduced.” “That’s the trouble with your male chauvinist’s line of reasoning: that the woman is an object of pleasure, a lovely creature to pass the time with. If that’s what you think, then there’s nothing I can do.
“It’s enough that I’ve tried to enlighten you on what’s morally upright. I have fulfilled my duty as your second father. It’s up to you to decide, but don’t expect me to take part in your treacherous plan.”
Alberto could not say anything more, and when he realized that his uncle had suddenly become a stranger to him because of his stubbornness, he took leave right away. It was uncertain what he was planning to do.