Desiderata Dissected (Part IV – The bitter better and wicked worse of coarse comparisons)

“If you compare yourself with others, you may become bitter or vain, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself”
As social beings, it is almost impossible to avoid comparing ourselves with others. We need bench marks, averages, and starting lines for anything involved with growth and human improvement. Normalcy is determined through comparable parameters. We cannot set up standards without comparing. And we cannot distinguish abnormal conditions from normal ones without first putting them side by side. In order to compete, we compare, and in comparing, we discover the weakness that requires improvement and the downfalls that need support. So, as it seems that there is nothing wrong in comparing, we are told not to compare ourselves with others. Was Max Ehrmann wrong in saying that we should not do it?
Actually, Max Ehrmann never said that we should not compare ourselves with others. He said: “if you compare yourself with others, you may become bitter or vain”. This is not an imperative statement. It does not command or imply what we should do. Rather, it provides an image of a consequence, something that could happen if we compare ourselves with others. Indeed, when we compare ourselves with others for the wrong reasons, we will become bitter for knowing that we are always worse than someone and vain for improving ourselves only because we wanted to appear better than someone.
Bitterness is the ugly by-product of envy and jealousy that occurs when instead of being grateful for what we have or what we are, we choose to desire that which we are not or that which we do not have. Then, when someone we know happens to be what we are not or possesses what we do not own, then any comparison will be a self-inflicted act of torture. The signs and symptoms of this malady are atavistic anger, belligerent bitterness and consistent crabbiness. In the long run, social isolation will be imposed and prognosis will be very poor.
There are people who are taller, skinnier, smarter, prettier, stronger, wealthier, kinder, luckier and lovelier than each and everyone of us. We all know that. What we do not know or perhaps refuse to know is that in spite of it, it does not always follow that we shorter, chubbier, dumber, uglier, weaker, poorer, ‘unkinder’, unluckier or ‘unlovelier’. It does not mean that when there is more, we are less.
Assuming that we are really taller, skinnier, smarter, prettier, stronger, wealthier, kinder, luckier and lovelier that anyone else we know, so what? There will be people who will not think like us, whose standards of beauty are different and those whose values do not correspond with what we have. Would it be a fair reason to uphold self-confidence only because there are people who are worse than us? And if we consider them as really worse than us, then what makes us better? The cycle continues “ad infinitum” as the comparison becomes more of an “ad nauseam”.
For those who are not an only child, remember those days when our Moms or Dads compared us to our older or younger siblings? We did not like it, right? Some of us took the challenge and exerted more effort only to prove them wrong. We competed when there should be no competition. And some swallowed the bitter bullet of feeling low, not being able to cope up with those who are “better”, gradually sliding towards the slope of sluggish defeat when victory is just around the corner.
If we compare ourselves to others, regardless of whatever direction or point of view, we may become bitter or vain. Nonetheless, if we do not compare ourselves with others, there will be no way to discern profound thoughts from the shallow; we cannot have the needed bench marks for self-improvement; and we will not fully comprehend the margins of normalcy. Hence, when presented with these options, comparing ourselves to others seem to be the lesser evil. And the prophylactic antidote against vanity or bitterness does not depend on the elimination of comparing ourselves to others, but on being able to be grateful for what we are, who we are, and what we have despite everything we do not like about ourselves and in spite of the fact that we may never have everything we so desire to have.
When this act of inner gratitude reaches the levels of true maturity, no amount of self comparing would make us bitter or vain. Rather, our sights will unravel the beauty of people we have never seen, disclose the goodness of those who never cared for us, and expose the talents of those whom we have always mistakenly considered inferior to our abilities.
When we are grateful for who we are, we will be grateful for who others are and how they are to us even if they do not see what we are for them or appreciate the things we do. At this point, comparing ourselves to others will no longer make us feel bitter or push us towards vain reactions.
I happen to be the eldest in the family. Like most of the first born child, we tend to be fortunate with talent disbursement, intelligence allocation, and even financial support. When we were kids, we acted like haughty brats, imposing ourselves to our younger siblings and almost forcing them to recognize that the eldest is the second in command after dad and mom went to bed. Of course our younger sibling will not concede. They too consider themselves as good as we are, except perhaps for the middle child who will tend to nurture the wounds of the middle child: not so old and not so young, not so blessed though not left behind.
Though they are not the direct culprits, Children are the most susceptible to suffer from the bitterness and vanity of comparing themselves to others. That is why most parenting journals teach parents not to compare their children with their siblings, because challenges do not always come with a good wrapping. It could be possible that twists may take place and all these sibling comparisons may create a fatal end or produce individuals who might fight to have an equal opportunity. In the face of comparisons, without the proper attitude, or the right intent, only bitterness and vanity would pop up. There will always be greater or lesser persons than ourselves. This does not dent our intent to always look for what is excellent, in spite of comparisons and despite the reality that we will never be the best.
At least, we tried. And try we always must. Enjoy the rest of the summer heat!